Walking through the past

Urban Decay: I always find myself treading extremely lite as I enter older decaying buildings. Even if I am walking on a concrete floor, I almost tiptoe as I step over relics of a past life or time.

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“Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun”

— Written by David Gilmour & Richard Wright, Pink Floyd, "Time"

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Rebuilding lives in Tennessee after job loss, pain pills and heroin

Imagine losing everything, battling an addiction and eventually living in the woods. That is basically what happened to Audrey and Steven. The loss of a job followed by pain pills which lead to heroin are just some of the details. 

Hear their story below (5MIN and 37SEC):

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Steven walking back to the camp via the railroad tracks coming from town. 

“We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies. ”

— Martin Luther King, Jr.

Above are photos from inside their campsite. 

Living in a Small Town

Knocking on random doors in small town America is always interesting... Just aiming to capture life unexpected is the goal.

She has lived in Shelbyville, TN for nearly 50 years… She said, “Ever since ’69.” When I talked to her about others who live in Shelbyville she stated, “ I don’t socialize with nobody too much, so I guess it’s good – I don’t have nothing else.”

I asked her son to describe Shelbyville and he simply said, “It’s a’ight, it’s alright.” When I spoke of crime in the quiet southern community he responded, “I don’t know nothing about no crime around here”

“This is a small town, so everyone talks. Ironic, isn’t it—so few people, so many opinions?”

— Katarina Bivald, "The Readers of Broken Wheel Recommend"

Without legs, but not without dignity

Perhaps you have seen Thomas Bauguess outside between Walmart and the Stones River Mall in Murfreesboro, TN. He sits on a small bucket with two prosthetic legs.

Thomas who is homeless, says that he lost his legs in Iraq while working as a contractor for the government and because he was not actually in the military, he does not receive help from the VA. Instead, he receives a basic disability check. However, the check is not enough to receive approval for an apartment or trailer.

Some have made fun of Thomas suggesting that he goes home each night to a well-lit house.

One person even made a video of him waking up in the morning. That video was then placed on Facebook where multiple persons made comments that hurt both Thomas and his wife.

Thomas owns two trucks that were given to him after his aunt passed away. While the trucks maybe a distraction for those passing by, Thomas calls them a blessing because he is able to sleep in them to stay warm. 

Right now, Thomas and his wife simply need a rental home or apartment. That being said, if someone is willing to rent to them he says that he will not have any problem making the monthly payment and he will be an excellent tenant.

Killing Time

I saw this man sitting on a bench as the day passed by. For some reason, the song "(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay" came to mind.

"Look like nothing's gonna change
Everything still remains the same
I can't do what ten people tell me to do
So I guess I'll remain the same, yes"

"Sittin' here resting my bones
And this loneliness won't leave me alone
It's two thousand miles I roamed
Just to make this dock my home"

-Otis Redding - "(Sittin' On) The Dock Of The Bay"

The song topped the charts in the United States and in the UK, but Redding would never realize the popularity of it.

“(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay” was written by Otis Redding and Booker T. & the M.G.'s. guitarist Steve Cropper. Redding wrote a portion of the song while sitting on a house boat the he is rumored to have rented in Sausalito, California.

This was said to be the last hit song that Otis Redding recorded just two days before he died in a plane crash in 1967. The song was not released until 1968.

The charter plane that crashed while carrying the famous soul singer occurred over Madison Wisconsin. In addition to Redding dying in the crash, so were six others. Redding was only 26 when killed. If he were still alive today, the Dawson, Georgia native would have been 76 years old.

The Great Loss

In life, we can’t always look, feel or be perfect. In fact, it is impossible.

Sometimes we lose our friends or our loved ones and we feel buried as if we are the ones lost.

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen nor even touched, but just felt in the heart.”

— Helen Keller

From Prison to Recovery

A Murfreesboro man by the name of Dustin Keith Brown will be facing the courts on Friday in Rutherford County. However, he will be in court for a more positive reason. 

Brown, who already served time for three felony drug charges and maintaining a dwelling for the use of drugs, will be asking for a reduction in fees and fines. 

While in prison, Brown underwent drug treatment and spent 32 months behind bars. After being released he got a job and has been on the right track. 

“Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it. ”

— David Foster Wallace, writer

Jimmy + Kathy

Jimmy and Kathy: They have been together for 15 years. Some of those years spent in motels and other years an apartment. Some of their time has been in hospitals while other times have been on the streets. A few ups and a few downs. 15 years. 

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This photo was taken just two days before Jimmy passed away. 

Today I received a phone call from Mrs. Kathy... Jimmy died.

You may recall the photo I posted of the two kissing just two days ago. I took that picture not realizing that would be the last motel they ever check into together.

Shortly after Jimmy died today (2/5/18), I gave that photo to Kathy and she said that she would talk to it tonight while asking if he has really passed away.

While in her motel room Charlie Jenkins from Medical Necessities pulled up and Kathy looked out her window and said, "I called about getting Jimmy's oxygen delivered this morning." I met the man outside their room and told him the news. He asked, "Do you mind if I talk to her?" I invited him inside.

As Charlie entered the room he told her how sorry he was for her loss and then put his hand on her shoulder. She started crying and he said, "I will pray for you." He then said it again, "I will pray for you."

The words that followed were unexpected. He said to Kathy, "I understand what you're going through - loss is hard... " He then told her about the loss of his 7 year old daughter due to cancer.

All loss is sad, but you never know what someone is going through... ever.

“A flower cannot blossom without sunshine, and man cannot live without love. ”

— Max Mülle, (1823-1900) a German-born philologist and Orientalist

Quiet for a minute

Sometimes nothing is best:

I once heard pastor Rick Warren talk about the gift of silence shortly after his son committed suicide. He talked about how hard it was to cope with the pain and loss.

Warren said that some people showed up telling him how sorry they were and how they remembered his son. Others talked about the pain that he and his wife were experiencing, but they didn't need to as the Warrens were in the the grasp of that pain and they knew it well.

The friends who did not speak other than to say they were there - were the most meaningful as no words can fill the void and those friends knew that. The gift of silence in powerful. Warren stated, "The deeper the pain, the fewer words needed."

“But to me nothing, the negative, the empty, is exceedingly powerful.”

— Alan Watts, British philosopher, writer (1915-1973)

Photo captured today... somewhere in the Nashville area.

The "Then" and the "Now" along with the "Future"

A lot of people have seen and talked about the massive mural on an abandoned concrete silo in Nashville, but few take the time to properly jump the fence around it. The mural is in an area that is called “The Nations.”

Let me back up a little… Many people see it, but do they see the side of it that includes two curious children with one reaching for the sky? Do people know why a man is painted on the front or why kids are painted on the side?

Australian artist Guido Van Helten is known around the globe for painting massive portraits that eerily look real. One of his famous pieces is located in an industrial area of Nashville near the old and shut down Tennessee Prison.

On the front of the Nashville silo is 91 year old Lee Estes who is often referred to as LD. He grew up in the area around the massive silo. Mr. Estes is the kind of guy who volunteers to help others, is always walking the block to see what’s going on and more. But, why was he picked and why are two kids on the side of silo?

Mr. Estes represents the neighborhood, or so to speak. He represents the old, the original and the start of the area. Another question would be, “Why are kids on the side?” Simple, Van Helten painted two boys that live in the area to represent the new, the change, the growth of the area known as The Nations.

In case you’re curious, the area around the old prison and the silo is changing in leaps and bounds. Most would agree it is changing for the good. Old homes are being rebuilt while some are being completely replaced. Shut down factories and warehouses are being turned into new businesses. Buildings that were once industrial and now falling apart are being torn down while new condos are going up.

As for artwork, The Nations neighborhood has artwork everywhere. It is well worth the drive to explore. It kinda’ represents the change that we are seeing throughout Middle Tennessee. That change includes an appreciation for art that makes our world look a little nicer.

“Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot, others transform a yellow spot into the sun. ”

— Pablo Picasso

Helping Kimberly

30 Year old Kimberly Lee and her family are about to lose their apartment in Murfreesboro, TN. Needless to say, she is having a tough time.

In September of 2017 she learned that she has cervical cancer. Doctors told her that she needed to be on medication and have surgery, but to date neither of the two have occurred. Kimberly explained, “It’s so expensive to get help, so I’m not dealing with it.”

She has insurance, but the co-pay is too high for her to make ends meet and pay for the treatment she needs. I asked, “Can you tell it is getting worst,” talking about the cancer. She said, “I can, because when I lay in bed at night – when I lay down – it gets worse and I cramp… everything’s just changing in my body (tears).”

She talked of her childhood and said that she was born into this world as an alcoholic with fetal alcohol syndrome. At age 14 Kimberly and her six siblings were placed into the Tennessee Foster Care system. By 15, she turned to alcohol and eventually aged out of the system only to learn how to live life on her own at 18.

Life was not easy and by 24 she was pregnant with her first child. The following years grew harder and she told me the father of her children abused her . One time was described as a living hell… “He held me down in the garage during the winter and I was naked as he poured cold water on me.” She said there were worse things that she went through as well while swallowing tears.

Twice she went through rehabilitation for addiction, but she failed to address childhood trauma and abuse as an adult. Her past likely has a direct link to her stress, depression and anxiety today.

Most recently, that anxiety got the best of her. Explaining, Kimberly stated, “I actually just got out of the hospital three days ago from having a bunch of mental breakdowns and I went and turned myself in to TrustPoint down here and I stayed for a whole week.” 

Her husband is working extremely hard each day at Nissan to make ends meet, but past medical bills, rehab, apartment rent, utilities and now a repossessed car have taken quite the toll on them. Kimberly said her husband is now paying to get rides into work each day because they lost their car. To add stress to them, an apartment eviction may leave them on the streets while searching for a new place to rent. They have to be out on Sunday (2/4/18).

Currently, her children are staying with a relative in Nashville. Remember, she does not have parents to call on for help like most of us do as she was placed into the foster care system by age 14. Her stepson in high school remains in school locally as the younger children are too young for school and are 6 or under.

I asked what people can do to help and she said,  “You know what, I don’t know – I don’t have an answer for that because I don’t really get help… I don’t get help from nobody.”  

Listen to the interview below: 

Helping Kimberly and her family: 

I had a few ideas of what could be done so I contacted a friend of mine who is a local pastor. He called some friends and now they have the money to make a deposit on a new apartment – if they can get approved for an apartment. I asked if I could name the folks who helped and with a laugh my friend responded, “Sure, tell them a bunch of folks that love Jesus and love how to believe wide open helped!”

I then turned to another friend to get help for treating her cancer, which she shared medical records with me to verify the damage that was found about 5 months ago. The friend I shared that information with just happens to have the exact same OBGYN. But, we don’t have an answer yet on IF medical help is available for her – However I hope to have information on that soon.

Counseling is something else that is needed, which I think I already have someone to call on who will be more than happy to help in a major way.

What can you offer?

• Confirmed help with cervical cancer – Keep in mind she has insurance through Blue Cross, but no money for co-pay. So, do you know of a medical group willing to help?
   
• Gift cards for grocery visits or restaurants would be positive.

Looking back to 2017, Standing Up

Looking back to October of 2017: During a protest held in both Murfreesboro and Shelbyville, TN, those against anyone of color or foreign background showed up in fairly large numbers. I should add, they showed up in Shelbyville, but failed to show up in Murfreesboro after learning the police presence was larger than expected.

Outside of the local square in Murfreesboro, TN some were armed with loudspeakers and were preaching their version of truth. The two women standing in front of the man on the speaker disagreed with what he had to say and they were not timid about standing up against him.

“Develop enough courage so that you can stand up for yourself and then stand up for somebody else.”

— Maya Angelou

Without legs in Las Vegas

So… there I was in downtown LasVegas and there he was, propped up against a trash can unable to stand. I bent down to speak with him and he said, “You know why I don’t shave anymore (slight laugh), because I can’t stand tall enough to see the mirror.”

His wife was in his wheelchair about 10 feet away. She was not asking for money, just a loan cigarette. She was in the chair to rest as she is usually on foot all day as the two are homeless.

Both of his legs were amputated due to extensive cardiovascular disease. In some cases doctors are able to move veins from one location to another in order to allow for better blood flow. In other cases, that is not possible.

Sometimes it is not possible due to costs so amputation is done as a last resort on a visit to the emergency room. Other times, grants are available for those without insurance to have such surgeries completed - if it is caught in time. I do not know what occurred in this case, nor did I ask as it was in the past.

Author Shannon L. Alder once said, “Before you call yourself a Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu or any other theology, learn to be human first.” Interesting statement. While those beliefs named are nowhere similar to one another all have one item in common. Humans follow those religions.

If we could only see through titles and learn to talk to others suffering. Listen to others going through struggles - then perhaps harmony would be easier. Life may even be easier for this man without legs because more would stop with ideas on ways to help. Maybe those with different religions would then work to put ideas into action.

The Eagle on Sacred Land

Photo of “The Eagle” on sacred Indian Land in the Grand Canyon. By the way, I did not take this photo from the glass Skywalk as you will notice towards the end of this piece.

On my visit to the Grand Canyon Glass Skywalk, I noticed multiple Native Americans working at the ticket booth, the parking lot, in the gift shop and taking photographs for families on the actual skywalk. I wondered why, other than the logical explanation that I was surrounded by tribal land. But, I figured there was more to the story.

As recent as 2012, Native Americans have had issues with the Grand Canyon being used for different purposes. But this issue may have been placed in a negative light due to one tribe in the area.

The Skywalk is built on the lip of the Grand Canyon and juts out over the Colorado River. The land where it was built is on the Hualapai Indian Reservation in Arizona. The walk was built under a contract that the Hualapai Council agreed upon with a Las Vegas developer who funded the costly venture.

In 2012 the Hualapai Nation overtook the development company responsible for overseeing the skywalk. The company had a contract in place that did not expire until year 2037, according to an article in Reuters newspaper on March 19, 2012.

Evidently, the Hualapai Nation saw that the Skywalk had potential to keep their families alive and healthy as there is a hefty charge for tourist to walk onto the glass walkway. But, they did not agree with the management or development company and claimed a breach of contract.

5 Years ago, the Native Americans took over or seized the skywalk with the idea of putting their tribe members to work. Of course the original agreement showed that the tribe commissioned the project with an agreement to let the developer run it. After all, the Skywalk is built on land belonging to an Indian tribe while a developer is the one who came in and built the $30-million structure… under contract.

In 2013 a U.S. District Judge ruled that the Hualapai Tribe owed the developer from Las Vegas $28.6 million, according to the USA Today. The judgement came as a result of a contract that was signed with the tribe in 2003. The tribe contended that the developer did not abide by that 2003 contract, which is why they took over the management. The Judge did not see it that way.

The Hualapai tribe consists of 2,000 residents and a 50% jobless rate. Other problems that plague the tribe are reported to be widespread problems with alcohol. Plus, some members view the Skywalk as disturbing because it is built on sacred grounds.

Today, the Hualapai tribe operates the Skywalk. However, they must pay the developer of the project instead of the original contract which had the developer paying them.

As for making that walk onto the Skywalk, you have to pay to ride a bus about 2 miles down a paved road to the site. Then, you have to buy a ticket to make the walk. If you want a photo while on the walkway you have to pay for that as well because cameras are not allowed. The price to walk the walk… About $85 per person.

A Camera is a No-No: If you think you can sneak a camera or cellphone onto the walkway, you are wrong. I tried. You go through a metal detector first, which you can get through with a GoPro, but then you are frisked.

Now you know the rest of the story. Or at least a few more details.

Rent is cheaper in Vegas

“On a good day I may make $60,” he told me while sitting in his motorized wheelchair in LasVegas.

Originally calling Southern California home he decided to make the move to LasVegas in the late 70’s. Later, he moved back to California for a short stay and then again made the trek to Vegas because he said it was cheaper to rent in the town of bright lights than Cali, “I pay $400 a month for my motel room.”

““On a good day I may make $60,” he told me while sitting in his motorized wheelchair in LasVegas.

Originally calling Southern California home he decided to make the move to LasVegas in the late 70’s. Later, he moved back to California for a short stay and then again made the trek to Vegas because he said it was cheaper to rent in the town of bright lights than Cali, “I pay $400 a month for my motel room.”

Las Vegas was and is a hard town that will make you pay for your inability to restrain your desires.... If you have a weakness, Las Vegas will punish you.”

— HAL ROTHMAN, Neon Metropolis

Looking at what most refuse to see

Everyone passed her by, most refusing to make eye contact. “Sir, have you got a cigarette,” she asked one man as he shook his head and continued. “Ma’am, do you have a smoke,” she asked a woman who refused to even acknowledge someone spoke to her. Never asking for money, she only wanted to continue her love affair with nicotine.

“We lived in Las Vegas back in 1978 and left… but we came back in the mid 90’s,” she told me while sitting in her husband’s wheelchair. “This is his,” she explained while pointing to a man sitting upright against a trash can. The woman then stated, “He has no legs – lost them both due to cardiovascular disease.”

I asked her what the dried blood on her forehead was from. “I tripped and fell, busted my head wide open. No one helped me, but the paramedics,” as she went into detail she talked about the ten stitches under her cap and how she spent 15 hours in the hospital.

Why do so many turn away from unpleasant, sad or dirty? Why do some refuse to take it all in as an effort to learn what others go through? Why does a mother or father not stop and talk when being spoken to as a way to teach a child courtesy should be offered to everyone until proven wrong. Then, perhaps courtesy should be offered again and even again.

“To change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions.” ― Stephen R. Covey (1932-2012). Dr. Covey died 5.5 hours away from where this woman sat quietly on the streets of Las Vegas. It was a bicycle accident that took the life of Dr. Covey at the age of 80 in Provo, Utah.

Addiction happens long before the injury

He sat quietly with his dog on a bridge over the bustling Las Vegas strip. Alone. His hat sat in front of his knee in hopes of those passing would drop a dollar to help him survive.

“I use to play professional poker,” he told me. As our conversation continued I realized it was not the poker that he lost to.

It was an accident that sent him to the hospital with a back injury. He then almost whispered as he told me that he was prescribed painkillers that he quickly grew addicted to. When the prescriptions ran out, the heroin began.

Methadone is his next step in life as he aims to get off of the heroin.

“My opinion: Opioid addiction happens because of previous trauma long before the injury that led to the prescription.”

— Scott Walker

Why do some grow addicted to drugs and alcohol while some do not? I do not know, but I can guess. That guess would be a previous trauma long before the injury.

The traumas could be any number of pains in life, from domestic violence to war. From child abuse to sex abuse. From witnessing a loved one murdered to watching a friend die a painful death. We all have our own trauma that we learn to medicate without proper help.

Once that medication wears off, the pain comes back greater than before. More detailed than first remembered. More real than reality.

“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.”

— J.K. Rowling

A room of her own

She shares only a bedroom with a local resident, but you would think she has a palace. When she describes that room, her eyes light up like a child inside a candy store for the first time.

Previously living on the streets of what some call “Sin City,” she has a special appreciation for clean sheets and a pillow to rest her head on at night.

It is interesting... Today we can look around while standing in a crowd of 1,000 at a large church and see smiling faces from every walk of life wearing their Sunday best. But inside, we are unable to tell what they hide.

Some of those that you see daily have a past that is more painful than your past. Some are struggling with current pain that is undeniably ugly, dark and scary… but they hide it in public to an extent that you would never know. I am not talking about their sins that they participate in outside of the church walls, I am talking about pains thrown at them.

American actor Will Smith once stated, “Never underestimate the pain of a person, because in all honesty, everyone is struggling. Some people are better at hiding it than others.” Truer words have never been spoken.

A Las Vegas Death on a Sidewalk

A Las Vegas Death on a Sidewalk: Her hands were swollen, her face like leather from the overly dramatic Nevada summers, her voice had a quiet whiskey sound to it and her hair a dirty blonde. Just behind her though, the shadow of a younger her… no lines, no age and perhaps a forgotten past. Her words were simple and thoughts non-complex.

She is tucked away on a Las Vegas side street, away from the eye of the public. Everything she owns is within an arm’s reach. Her makeshift home is the sidewalk of a closed down business next to a convenience store.

A bottle of urine sits next to her left leg, two empty cans of beer against the wall and an empty purse under her left arm. Behind her is a “Personal Belongings” bag from an area hospital.

“She wasted and grew so thin that she no longer was a little girl, but the shadow of a little girl. The flame of her life flickered so faintly that it appeared sufficient to blow at it to extinguish it. Stas understood that death did not have to wait for a third attack to take her and he expected it any day or any hour.”

— Henryk Sienkiewicz, "In Desert and Wilderness"

Finding oneself and the balance of nature

The new graffiti appears to be rock stacking or cairns. While this has been done for centuries to mark burials, ceremonial grounds, trails, directions and more, the National Parks System wants it to be halted.

This photo was taken in a National Park in the area of the Grand Canyon.

Does it really matter in the larger scheme of things? No. Will it matter in 100 years? Not likely. However, some suggest it offsets what nature is meant to be while others suggest it offers balance. Regardless, it is not natural which is what the National Parks want… nature in its natural state.

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.”

— Henry David Thoreau